Friendships are exciting, fun, easy, hard and sometimes, heartbreaking. If there is one thing I have learnt over the past few years is that friendships come and go and sometimes, history means nothing. I have had a close friendship for many years that has started to head in the wrong direction. When I felt like I had put too much effort in and got nothing in return, I started to pull back and reign in the amount of effort I put in. Surprisingly (or not so surprisingly), the effort from the other side never changed and my lack of contact was never questioned. While pulling out the effort, I was putting less emotions in and I started to not hurt as much every time a promise was never fulfilled.
There is a
saying about how you should never rely on happiness from anyone but yourself
which is so true, but yet not. It is hard to receive a text from a person who
says they ‘miss you so much’. Then you try and organise a catch up and what do
you know, you don’t hear back. Or maybe they promise to organise a catch up to
make up for the last time they let you down and it never happens. Suddenly 6 months passes and
you’ve had the same conversation every month that has eventuated to nothing.
I guess
friendships can be a little like relationships. You keep putting more in
thinking the other person will change and they will come around. Except, that
never happens and over time you start to build resentment for the things that
you thought would change to begin with. Then you wonder if it was your fault
and you start to think about the friendship and what role you played and what
you did wrong. Yes, of course you did something wrong along the way, but was it
your entire fault? Probably not.
Over time, I
have built other friendships. I now regularly catch up with people I didn’t
even know 5 years ago. I will admit that I don’t have a huge amount of friends.
In fact, apart from a select few I still keep in touch with from school, the
only other people I catch up with now are ones who I have met through S. Sure I’ve
had my own friends along the way, but those friendships run a course and all
too soon you are only facebook friends with not much in common. One of my goals
this year is to try and make new friends that I can catch up with and invite to
dinner. I’m not sure how, but I will figure it out I’m sure.
Steve and I are
friends with a couple we see almost once a week. They have a really wide group
of friends that they make an effort to keep in touch with regardless of the
fact that they have a 6 month old baby. They have people over for dinner at
least twice a week and they enjoy entertaining. I love and admire that they do
this and I hope that in the near future Steve and I can learn to open our home
to friends and family more regularly. To be honest, it isn’t that I don’t want
to, it’s that I don’t really think to. It doesn’t have to be a lavish meal. A
simple meal with a drink and some laughs is all that is needed to keep in touch
with people and to let them know you appreciate their friendship. Hopefully by
doing this we can create a network of friends that are there for us and in
return, we will be there for them.
There isn’t
really much point to this post to be honest. I just had thoughts in my head
that I wanted to write down so here it is!
Have you had any
friendships that you thought would last run their course?
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I had this crisis late last year. I came to the conclusion that 'friends' had become 'acquaintances' and i just don't consider them friends anymore so if they do things that would offend me as a friend, I don't let it get to me because they're just acquaintances. I still see these people from time to time but don't go out of my way to see them and I don't get emotionally involved in their lives.
ReplyDeleteGood luck xx
I agree. There is no point getting upset about it because I can bet they certainly aren't.
DeleteI have had similar experiences recently and have also been thinking how I should make more of an effort to make new friends and catch up with friends more often. Friendship can be so tough sometimes, much harder than a relationship!
ReplyDeleteIt really can. I am making a conscious effort this year to meet new friends and build on those relationships.
DeleteI can relate to this post so much. I'm 26 and my best friend from highschool, who I've been friends with since we were 12 and I have lost touch. There we so many catchups organised, and I was always stood up at the last minute and given lame excuses ("I forgot I had this uni thing", "I forgot I had this other thing on") so I gave up and started invested time into the friends that made the effort and genuinely wanted to have a friendship with me.
ReplyDeleteI felt obligated to keep the friendship alive, because of the history. But now I'm at the point in my life where I have too many other obligations and great new friends I have made through work and book club and other mutual friends, that I just don't have the time or energy to invest into this dying friendship. Mind you, the other person has made no attempt to catch up. No texts, not even facebook messages. It just becomes awkward because we still have mutual high school friends so we will run into eachother at certain events..
This is much the same story as me. Being stood up or avoiding the topic when I try to organise to catch up. I think one time I was stood up and she told me she lost her phone even though she'd posted on FB from a mobile. I would have severed contact ages ago but then I get texts out of the blue saying she really misses me and wants to catch up. I can't keep up! And I don't want to anymore anyway.
DeleteI understand. It was really painful, the 'breakup' with my best friend from high school. But I can't really stand her anymore. Something about her chatter seems so foreign and shallow to me now. I keep in touch, but have nothing to say to her because I find she is constantly comparing how we have fared in life, and it gets tiring competing when all I want is friendship. It still aches even though I haven't had her in my life for over three years now, but I still have great friends that I have learnt to share my live with. Hope you and Steve find the same.
ReplyDeleteThe different quirks do get tiring, don't they! I know how you feel - missing her still even now but I think we ache for the people we once knew.
DeleteMy best friend from high school and I have fell out, not because of any kind of fight but because she became so unreliable when making and sticking to plans. It is such a shame but I learned 2 years ago that there is no point in getting upset about because she won't change. Instead, I focus on the good, positive relationships I have now:) I feel ya, girl! Sorry this happened to you though.
ReplyDeleteI totally agree. Let's stick to the positive friendships because the rest just weigh us down.
DeleteWhat a heartfelt post. I understand how you feel. I have a best friend from school I have known for a good 14 years now and we barely talk anymore; reason being that I also feel that I have to chase after her to meet up and don't see the effort from her. It is sad but like you say, I guess it's just run its course. Hugs to you.
ReplyDeleteHugs to you too. At least we recognise what is happening before it gets us too down!
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